Vacation
by Orange Colored Sky
Summary: Frodo Baggins wins a contest for a trip to Modern Day Earth and he invites the fellowship. But will he be ready for this adventure? First few chapters are pretty awful but it gets better later.
1. The Letter

**Chapter 1.**

Frodo Baggins was sitting in his living room with the Fellowship (save for Boromir who's dead). They were having a tea party for reasons that are never going to be explained. Legolas and Aragorn had spiked everyone's tea because they were bored. Frodo always had very boring tea parties. No one even knew why they were there, Frodo was supposed to have gone to the grey havens. But no one really cared.

Frodo decided to read the mail. It had been piling up for quite some time now because Frodo had forgotten about it. He walked over and pulled 1 letter out of the pile that looked interesting. It had a VERY shiny stamp on it and Frodo loved shiny things. He walked over and sat next to Sam who was buttering a crumpet.

"What do you have there, Mr. Frodo? Can I see it? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pretty Please??!?" asked Sam who had forgotten about his crumpet which was dripping butter all over his lap.

Gandalf hit him over the head and he died.

Frodo started opening the envelope very slowly. Everyone was staring at him, since this was the first interesting thing that had happened in hours. (They had been having that tea party for 5 hours.) He took out the letter and as he did a golden ticket fell out.

"I've got a golden ticket!!" Frodo yelled in ecstasy. Everyone cheered and started dancing while Sam started singing the golden ticket song. A donut fell out of the ceiling and killed him again and everyone stopped dancing.

"It says I can bring one person. I wish I could bring you Grandpa." Frodo said to Gandalf.

Gandalf looked at him, bewildered, "…the hell?" And with that the golden ticket made a little 'poof' and disappeared. Frodo started crying.

Gandalf picked up the letter and read it aloud:

_Dear Mr. Baggins,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you won a contest that you did not enter!! W00t! You have won a lot of airplane tickets to Earth, 2004! Congratulations!! You must be very happy!! Are you happy? Are you very happy? I don't really care!! Please find enclosed a bunch of airplane tickets._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Shindiglemindigleflammableporter Turner_

_P.S. Some crazy guy named Willy Wonka put a Golden Ticket in this envelope. I let him, because I hate my job. I also put anthrax in this envelope, because I hate my job. I am crying right now and am in the feeble position, because I hate my job. Don't ask me how I can write and be in the feeble position at the same time, because I hate my job._

There was a very long silence as everyone stared at each other for a while and at the anthrax that was slowly pouring out of the envelope. Gimli burped.

"What the hell does w00t mean?" questioned Aragorn, bewildered.

Everyone collapsed from drinking too much alcoholic tea. While they were all lying there Willy Wonka came and stole a crumpet, and the dish ran away with the spoon. A herd of playing cards came and stole the anthrax to give to their queen, and a fairy came and brought Sam back to life but he fell asleep afterwards.

10 hours later everyone woke up with killer hangovers.

Sam was the first to speak, "Whoa…I feel like Pinocchio on crack."

"Um…Great party Frodo, but I have to go home." Said Pippin, yawning.

"WAIT!!!" Gandalf yelled really, really loudly, which made everyone flinch, "Don't you all remember…the letter?" He said the last part really, really quietly as if someone was listening. And indeed someone was listening. In a nearby closet The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen were all huddled inside, listening because they had nothing better to dooooo….isn't it creepy?

"What happened to my crumpet?" Merry asked, somewhat sadly.

"As I was saying," Said Gandalf, calmly, "The letter….Everyone go and pack!"

"Okay…" Everyone said at once. They all trudged out the door and started walking to their respective homes.

Gandalf was still in Frodo's house. He sighed, but he looked quite amused, "3...2...1..."

Frodo came rushing back inside, "Oh! I live here don't I?"

Gandalf walked up to him and handed him a lot of airplane tickets, "Keep them secret, Keep them safe." And with that he picked up his staff and walked outside of the door, but not before hitting his head 500 million times.

"I still wish I had the golden ticket…" Frodo said to himself as he walked into his room to go pack.


	2. The Airport

**Chapter 2.**

Frodo was packing his underwear with the little bears on them when he heard a faint buzzing noise. Thinking that it was his doorbell, even though he didn't have a doorbell, he went to the door and opened it. No one was there.

_Oh well,_ Thought Frodo, _like anyone would visit me anyways…_and a single tear trickled down Frodo's cheek. Then he started laughing like a maniac for no apparent reason other than the author can't think of anything to do with him.

Frodo skipped merrily back to his room to finish packing.

1 hour later the fellowship all met at the airport (save for Boromir who is still dead), and with them was Bilbo, Elrond, Faramir, and Eomer. The hobbits got there late because on the way there, Sam had asked Frodo how long of a Plane ride it would be and Frodo told him that it was going to be 20 hours. Naturally Sam had died and it took them a while to revive him, since Sam's Fairy Godmother had gotten drunk.

So they're they all were. In an airport. In Middle Earth. Ha Ha Ha.

Gandalf was leading them through the airport since he was the only one who knew what the hell they were doing. The whole place was run by Oompa Loompa's and House elves, most of them were smoking cigars and drinking whiskey. None of them were working because they had no need to. No one even knew that this airport existed until now. Poor little creatures…

Gandalf and company had reached baggage check where a bunch of drunken House Elves were playing poker. One of the House Elves who was smoking a cigar, and who looked a lot like Danny DeVito, came up to them. He stood there surveying them all, with a disgruntled look on his face. This scene looked all the more amusing by the fact that the poor House Elf was even shorter than the hobbits. "What do you want?" the house elf asked gruffly.

Gandalf didn't reply because he looked as if he was going to explode from trying not to laugh. Instead Sam replied, "Don't talk to us like that Stinker! Don't you -" But Sam's sentence was cut short by the fact that the House Elf had started squirting dark green cake icing at him.

Sam died.

"What did you do to him?" Frodo asked in a spaced out way, as if he was high.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" asked the house elf, looking at Frodo.

"Uh…He's retarded." replied Aragorn as he hid Frodo behind him, so that the drunken house elf wouldn't kill him with his cake icing of doom.

The House Elf didn't even really seem to care anymore and he said in a squeaky, monotone voice (if that's possible), "Put your bags over here please…", as he said this, drool started to form at the corner of his mouth. They all threw their bags, and Sam, onto the conveyer belt.

Shaggy and Scooby Doo ran over and started saying something about a monster that was chasing them. They looked in the direction in which Shaggy and Scooby came from and saw nothing but a very distressed Oompa Loompa chasing after them yelling something about passports. Professor Severus Snape, who was conveniently sitting nearby (wearing a very shiny, purple disco outfit), spotted the trouble and shot two balls of grease, from his hands, at Shaggy and Scooby. The Grease balls exploded on contact and melted Shaggy and Scooby into little blobs of grease. Of course, when the grease splattered a lot of it got on Sam since the author hates him. Sam and all the bags were still on the conveyer belt, which wasn't moving on account that all the Oompa Loompa's and House Elves were very much distracted by all that was going on.

But poor little Frodo didn't see any of this. He was too busy staring at Snape's very shiny outfit. As all this was going on Frodo was walking very slowly towards Snape. No one noticed because they were all watching the odd display. After Shaggy and Scooby had exploded, Frodo was standing right in front of Snape. Snape looked down at Frodo who had fished a bubble gum wrapper out of his pants and was handing it to Snape.

"Er…thanks. I guess…" Snape said as he took the bubble gum wrapper that was being offered to him, "Severus Snape, awayyyyyy!!", and with that Snape flew off, (Breaking the ceiling while he was at it. "You're gonna have ta pay for that!" yelled a random house-elf.) Frodo saw him throw away the bubble-gum wrapper as he was flying away. Frodo curled up into a little ball on the floor and cried.

Of course none of this made any sense, considering that Scooby Doo, Harry Potter and bubble gum wrappers weren't made yet.

Aragorn glanced at the clock on the wall and squealed like a little chipmunk on crack. "We're gonna miss our plane!!!" He picked up Frodo who was still crying, grabbed his bags and ran through the Metal Detector. Legolas followed after him, carrying Sam who was still dead, but slowly reviving. Everyone else followed carrying all their baggage. Of course, they all beeped when they went through, which made the House Elves and Oompa Loompa's very angry. After they all passed, Grima Wormtounge came and yelled at the poor little midgets, "The wizard's staff! I told you to take the wizards staff!!"

"Never mind that, Wormtounge." said Saruman as he slowly walked up to them, "We will get them…we just have to wait for the opportune moment…"

"Hey, that's my line!" shouted Jack Sparrow as he ran by them.

Meanwhile, Frodo and company were all running to try and catch their plane. Frodo had stopped crying, and Sam had come back to life and they were running with everyone. Legolas was ahead of everybody, jumping in that elvish way that he jumps. Aragorn was running in that rangerish way he does. The hobbits had really big rolling suitcases, so it was kind of hard for them to run… they had to jump with each step they took. Everybody else was just running normally except for Gimli who kept tripping and tumbling all over the place, but he still managed to keep up. Then something terrible happened…Gandalf tripped!!

"Gandalf!" screamed Frodo.

"Fly, you fools!" And as he said that one of the Oompa Loompa's that were chasing them came and jumped on Gandalf and soon he was bombarded with a bunch of Oompa Loompa's, who had started to sing.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Frodo in a very over dramatized way.

They reached the terminal and gave the Oompa Loompa their tickets. They had made it in time…but at what cost?

50 cents…


	3. You've got mail!

A/N: I am so sorry that this took soooo long to come out. I've been having MAJOR computer problems and I'm using my laptop right now...I hope I didn't loose any readers! I wrote this chapter really quick so It might not be that great...Enjoy anyways!

Disclaimer: It's a disclaimer! Get it?! Whatever...

**Chapter 3.**

They were on the airplane now and it was getting ready to go down the runway. Aragorn was in a bad mood because the Oompa Loompa at the terminal almost didn't let him on the plane because of some trouble with his passport. In the picture he seemed to have an afro..._I bet Gandalf did that..._thought Aragorn.

Frodo was also in a bad mood. There had been only two First Class tickets in the 12 tickets that he had won. Of course, Frodo wanted these since he was the one who won the contest, but Elrond insisted tht he and Bilbo needed them. "Stupid Elf...", muttered Frodo as he sulked in his seat.

"Mr. Frodo!! Look out the window!! Those people look like ants!!", yelled Sam as he bounced excitedly in his seat.

"Those _are_ ants Sam! We're still on the runway!!", Frodo yelled angrily. He was annoyed with Sam, because he took the window seat. Normally, Sam would've given Frodo the window seat, but he was in an odd mood. He probably lost a lot of brain cells from dying so much.

They were now going down the runway and Sam had started crying. Then the plane started going up and up and up and up...and up. Frodo had started writing in his diary:

_Dear Diary,_

_Sam is being so stupid...he's really pissing me off! I hope that he doesn't start throwing up...that would be horrible!! Maybe he'll die...Yeah! Maybe Gandalf can kill him! Oh yeah...Gandalf died. Oh well!! Daddy! I want an Oompa Loompa!! I WANT AN OOMPA LOOMPA RIGHT **NOW!!!**_

Frodo closed his diary. He looked at the seat next to him and Sam had died...Or he might be sleeping...or someone could've knocked him out, Frodo liked to think that he was dead. Frodo looked around him and saw that Merry and Pippin were playing a drinking game, Legolas and Aragorn were making fun of Gimli's beard while Gimli cried, and Faramir was telling Eomer about the Facts of Life.

As Frodo was prodding Sam with a stick, a stewardess was coming down the aisle. Frodo didn't look at her because he was too immersed in poking Sam. She came up to him and asked if he would like a drink. Frodo stopped poking Sam and dropped the stick. He knew that voice...he lifted his head slowly and looked at her.

"Mom?", He asked.

"No...look again!", said the mysterious lady.

"Dad?", tried Frodo.

"Are you blind?!", yelled the woman.

"Wait...hold on...I know this one!", said Frodo.

"Galadriel!", whispered a voice from behind him.

"I've got it! You're Frosty the Snowman!!", yelled Frodo.

"You're an idiot.", said Galadriel, and she left.

"Since when did Galadriel become an Airplane stewardess?", Frodo asked Pippin who was sitting behind him.

"How the hell should I know?", he answered.

"You've got mail!", whispered Faramir who was sitting in front of Frodo. He and Eomer started giggling like schoolgirls.

"Actually, he has a whole pile of mail." said Sam who had woken up.

Aragorn and Legolas had started singing 'If I Only had a Brain', and Frodo started banging his head on the seat in front of him (Which was really annoying Faramir) and soon Frodo knocked himself out.

Shortly after that Frodo woke up and saw the captain walking down the aisle with two stewardess's walking behind him. The captain was none other than Theoden and the two stewardess's were Arwen and Eowyn.

"Shouldn't you be flying the plane?!", asked Aragorn, alarmed.

"Last time I looked, Theoden, not Aragorn was captain of this plane.", said Theoden giving Aragorn a cold, hard glare. Aragorn sat down and Theoden ran back to the cockpit, crying.

Sam had climbed over Frodo and was now cooking on the floor. "What I really need is some nice taters...", muttered Sam.

"Um, sir...", said Arwen, trying to be a good airplane stewardess, "You're not aloud to cook on the plane..."

"Get me taters!!", yelled Sam.

Arwen scurried off to get some potatoes (even though they didn't have any). After she left a voice could be heard outside the window of the plane. "What's it doing?!", screamed the voice.

"There's something on the wing!", said William Shatner, and then he got beamed up (by Scotty!). So everyone looked out of the plane and there _was_ something on the wing. It crawled up to the window and pressed it's face on it.

"Stupid fat hobbit!", said the creature, but it came out more like "stuuupllld ft hbbbbit." Because his face was smashed against the window.

"Smeagol!", exclaimed Frodo. Just then the plane had a jolt of turbulence and Gollum fell down and down and down...and down. Frodo turned around and saw Sam staring at his bowl of soup that had fallen when the plane jolted.

"I am sorry for your loss...", said Eowyn to Sam, and she walked away.

Just then Arwen came, her arms laden with potatoes . She stopped when she saw Sam who had started to cry. She stood there for a while before she threw the potatoes on Sam and walked away. Sam started munching mournfully on his potatoes when they heard a voice come from behind the plane.

This voice belonged to none other than...

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Reviewers:

_tuimoftheeast - _Thank you! Have some cookies!!

_Ice Is Cold - _Thanks for promoting my story! You're too kind. I though your story was very funny. Have a lollipop!


	4. Gandalf's Return

A/N: Hi!! You probably thought I was dead, huh? Nope! I live!!!! Anyways, I was being really stupid and when I fixed some spelling errors in chapter 2 and replaced the chapter I accidentally replaced over the Authors note and review replies, so they are gone... heh '

Disclaimer: Disclaimer - A denial or repudiation of a claim.

**Chapter 4.**

This voice belonged to none other than…

…Gandalf! Bet you didn't expect that, huh?

"Hey! You fools!" Cried Gandalf. He was flying behind the plane on a giant eagle…thing. He came up beside the plane and waved from outside one of the windows. Everyone looked at him in wonder.

"You look terrible." said Legolas to Gandalf.

"He's right," agreed Pippin, "What the hell happened to you?"

Gandalf glared at them and disappeared with a popping sound. As everyone was wondering where he went he came up behind Sam and yelled, "Boo!"

Sam died…again.

"How did you do that?!" asked Aragorn.

"Never mind that," said Gandalf, "The reason I look so terrible is because of the Oompa Loompas."

"This is gonna be a good one." whispered Eomer to Faramir as everyone sat down to hear Gandalf's story.

"As they all sat at on me I could hear them singing their horrible song," started Gandalf, "I tried to cover my ears but to no avail…It was too late. I was weakened by their melody. They took me and threw me into a chocolate river, and then they turned me into a giant blueberry." Gandalf looked around and saw with satisfaction that they were hanging onto his every word. "Then, if you'll believe it, they threw me into the garbage! I thought that was it, but no such luck. They shrunk me down to the size of a pea, then stretched me back out. I finally had to give their leader an everlasting gobstopper for them to let me go…um…I mean…I had to kill them all with my amazing powers! Yup!"

"Wow…" said Frodo with wide eyes.

"Indeed" said Gandalf and then he sat down and started smoking on his pipe. Merry started crying since he hadn't had a line since chapter 1. Pippin, in an attempt to comfort Merry, took a wardrobe out of his pocket to show to Merry.

Gandalf saw the wardrobe and his eyes popped out. He hastily put them back in and said, "Fool of a Took!"

"What'd I do this time?" asked Pippin sadly. Just then a lion jumped out of the wardrobe.

"I am Aslan!" said the lion. He looked out the window and his eyes popped out. But he didn't bother putting them back in for you see, unlike Gandalf, he always kept an extra pair behind his normal eyes. Sam picked up the eyes and put them in his martini.

"Where am I?!" screamed Aslan, "Am I on a plane?! Why did you bring me here!!?? Lions are scared of heights!!!"

"I beg to differ." Said a lion that was sitting at the back of the plane wearing a monocle and reading a newspaper.

"Crikey!" said Aslan.

"Oh no you don't!" said Steve Erwin, who had just popped out of nowhere, "That's my line!" He jumped on the lion and started wrestling with it.

"'tis such a shame when the Crocodile Hunter start's hunting lions." Said Merry.

Just then a crocodile came out of Faramir's bag and ate the crocodile hunter and Aslan. "Been wantin' to do that all me life." Said the crocodile.

Faramir took a rolled up newspaper out of his bag and started hitting the crocodile with it, "Bad Skippy! You do _not _eat people! Bad! You spit him out right now!" Skippy spat Steve out with a sad look on his face.

"Crikey…" said Steve weakly. Then a portal opened beneath his feet and he jumped into it and Skippy followed.

"Skippy!!" screamed Faramir as the portal closed up, "Nooooooooo!!!!"

"I didn't know you had a pet crocodile." Said Eomer.

"Neither did I…" replied Faramir sadly.

"Hey…" said Frodo, "Where did Aragorn go?"

"I saw him and Arwen go to the bathroom. They said something about joining a club." Said Legolas.

"Ah…" said Frodo wisely.

A little black dog came up to Frodo and started barking happily. Sam jumped up and started jumping on the dogs head. "Stop hurting Mr. Frodo!! Stupid dog!!"

"Toto? Toto?" said a girl with a blue and white checkered dress who was coming up the aisle, "Toto? Toto!! Oh my gosh!! What did you do to him?!" She screamed at Sam who was standing on the Toto's head which had been squished to a pulp.

"Uh…" said Sam stupidly.

"Now I kill you!" whispered Dorothy dangerously while unsheathing a Samurai sword that was at her side.

Before he could say 'Shindiglemindigleflammableporter' Sam's head was rolling on the ground. "I'll get you my pretty! And you're little dog too!" said Sam's head.

"You already killed my dog!!" she screamed. She started sobbing and ran away.

"Well that was weird." commented Frodo nonchalantly.

"Indeed." Said Gimli.

Frodo looked out the window and saw two teenagers flying on a magical carpet, and a little boy dressed in green flying with 3 other kids and a fairy.

Frodo looked around the plane and saw that Boromir was sitting next to Gimli except that Boromir looked all greenish and see-through. "Hey Boromir." Said Frodo, "I thought you were dead."

"I was!" replied Boromir happily.

"Cool." Said Pippin.

Aragorn came back with a smile on his face that was quickly erased when he saw Boromir sitting down. "Uh! Boromir! You're in my seat!" he said testily.

"Oh…uh…sorry." Boromir said and floated away sadly.

Aragorn sat down and munched on his pretzels, unfazed by the fact that he made Boromir sad. Boromir sat next to Legolas instead. "Uh...Hi!" said Legolas, "I've never talked to a ghost before."

Boromir glared at him and curled up into a ghost ball.

Gandalf and Frodo were in the middle of the aisle doing the hokey-pokey while Merry played the accordion and all was well in the world...for now. Muwahahahahahaha!!!

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Reviewers:

_Raablyn_: Was it really that funny? lol. Thanks for the review!

_Eowyn41_: I love Oompa Loompas!! I just had to see them kill someone.

_Raablyn_ (again): The guys in the closet...died. Yeah. Taters are potatoes (You know, like in Two Towers Sam was all like "We need taters." and then Gollum was all like "Whats taters, precious?").

_Ice is Cold_: You're welcome for the lollipop! I thought your story was really funny, too!


	5. Karaoke!

A/N: Hey, Hey, Hey!! It's me! Anyways, Here's chapter 5! YAY!! I was gonna wait until I got more reviews but it didn't seem like I was going to get any. So, This is your christmas present! Aren't you the lucky duck?

Disclaimer: I own a lot of things...just not Lord of the Rings...

**Chapter 5.**

"Hey Frodo..."

"What?" asked Frodo.

"Gettin' Jiggy with it!" Shouted Pippin happily.

"Shut up, Pippin..." Merry said tiresomely.

"Karaoke!" Shouted Aragorn as he was walking down the aisle with a Karaoke machine. Arwen was behind him, fixing her hair and her dress.

"Yay!" Shouted Sam, "C'mon Mr. Frodo! Let's go!"

"I don't feel like it, Sam..." said Frodo but Sam wasn't listening. He dragged Frodo, who dragged Pippin, who dragged Merry to the Karaoke stage that had appeared out of nowhere.

"What should we sing?" asked Merry.

"I know! I know!" Shouted Sam, "Let's sing 'So Yesterday' By Hilary Duff! She's my hero..."

"Do you _want_ me to barf?" Asked Frodo, "Let's sing a Beatles song..."

"Yeah!" said Pippin while looking through the list of songs, "Ah! Here's a good one...'She Loves You'"

They got in a straight line and started singing.

"She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah!" They sang with microphones (Yes, the microphones popped out of nowhere), "She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah, She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"

"You think you lost your love, When I saw her yesterday." Sang Merry and Pippin while tapping their feet and snapping their fingers, "It's you she's thinking of, And she told me what to say. She says she loves you, And you know that can't be bad. Yes, she loves you, And you know you should be glad. ooh!"

Gimli was clapping his hands and bobbing his heads to the music. Aragorn and Legolas were tapping their feet. Gandalf was clapping his hands and laughing (Because he's old). Boromir was just sitting...I mean, floating because he was still angry at how everyone was treating him. Eomer and Faramir were eating cupcakes and listening to the music.

"She said you hurt her so, she almost lost her mind." Sang Frodo and Sam while leaning into the audience, "But now she says she knows, You're not the hurting kind. She says she loves you, And you know that can't be bad. Yes, she loves you," Sam seemed to have a small seizure for a second and then fainted, "And you know you should... be... glad..." Sang Frodo, trailing off as he realized that his singing partner was no longer singing. Aragorn ran up to the stage and stood above Sam.

"Uh...Sam?" Asked Aragorn uncertainly. He nudged Sam with his foot and Sam rolled off the stage. "Are you okay?"

Sam's mouth opened and the ghost of Haldir came out. He looked around for a while and then looked down at Sam's dead body.

"Oh my gosh!" said Haldir, "I'm sorry! I killed your friend."

"It doesn't matter." Said Frodo unconcernedly, hopping off the stage.

"But...he was your best friend..." Said Haldir.

"Yeah, whatever." said Frodo as he walked back to his seat and sat down. Haldir looked down at Sam for a second, shrugged his shoulders, and sat down next to Boromir. Pippin and Merry took out Santa hat's from their pockets and started river dancing on the stage. Aragorn walked over to the aisle and was about to sit down when Elrond started coming to them from his first class seat.

"Mr. Anderson, Welcome back," He said as he stopped in front of Aragorn, "We missed you."

"Dude...My name's Aragorn." Said Aragorn as though he thought Elrond was crazy.

"Oh, right..." said Elrond, "Sorry, Wrong movie. What I meant to say was, 'What's all this racket back here!?!?'"

"Karaoke!" Shouted Merry and Pippin who had stopped dancing.

"Right..." said Elrond slowly, "Well then. I'll just be on my way then...I'm obviously not wanted..."

"...Who was that guy?" asked Frodo as Elrond walked away.

"I think he was Santa Claus!" said Gimli with wide eyes.

"It's not 'Santa Claus', it's Saint Nicholas." Said Aragorn as if it was obvious.

"Nu uh!" Said Legolas, "It's Chris Kringle!"

"SHUT UP!!" shouted Gandalf, "Let the Ring-bearer decide."

"Um..." Said Frodo nervously, all eyes were on him, "It's...Saint Santa Kringle!"

"I knew it!" Said Sam as he shot up from the ground.

"Holy shrimp paste!!" shouted Haldir.

"You'll get used to it." said Eomer.

"Tee hee!" Said Sam in an eerily cute way as he started walking down the aisle, "Animal crackers in my soup! Something, something loopty loop!"

When Sam walked by him, Frodo stuck out a leg and tripped him. Sam started crying and sat down in his seat, where he curled up into a ball.

"I'm hungry..." said Pippin, "Where's the food?"

"I've got some taters!" Said Sam happily.

"I don't want your damn taters!" said Pippin angrily.

Eowyn walked down the aisle and came up to him. She was wearing a flowery dress and was holding a picnic basket full of mushrooms. "Mushrooms?" she asked cheerfully.

"Yes!" said Pippin, grabbing the basket, "Thank you! You're my savior!"

"Pippin?" asked Merry as Pippin was gobbling down the mushrooms.

"What?" asked Pippin with a mouthful of mushrooms.

"Ever seen that movie 'The Stepford Wives'?" he asked.

"No. Why?" Inquired Pippin.

"No reason...." said Merry, "Pass me some of those Mushrooms..."

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Reviewer:

_Elenhin_: I hadn't even realized that David Wenham was in The Crocodile Hunter Movie. After I read your review I went and watched it and I saw him in it. Anyways, Yeah, Skippy's cool. Thanks for the review!


	6. The World

A/N: It's me! Yay!! It's an update! Update, update! Tralalalala!! Anyways....Yeah....update! w00t!

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. There! Short, sweet, and to the point!

**Chapter 6.**

Many hours later their plane had landed and they were all very thankful for they had started to go crazy. They got off the plane and into the terminal. Then a stupid, ugly, fat kid named Lando Griffin came and beat them all up.

They were very sad...and Sam died...

"Well!" said Gandalf as he sat up and brushed himself off, "The nerve!"

"Bleh...." replied Aragorn rolling over on the floor.

"I want a cookie!" shouted Legolas who seemed to be the only one unharmed.

"You wish now that our places had been switched," said Faramir, "That I had died and Borormir had lived."

"...Wha...?" Said Legolas.

"Shut up you fools and let's get going!" said Gandalf waving his staff around like some kind of wizard.

"Where are we, anyway?" asked Frodo as they walked along, getting many stares from the people they passed.

"Um...Los Angeles..." said Sam, reading the sign that said 'Welcome to Los Angeles!'

"Why are people staring and pointing at us?" asked Pippin.

"Why is everybody asking me everything?!?!" Shouted Gandalf, "You just all think I know everything, don't you!? 'Oh were so stupid let's ask the wizard!! He'll solve all of our little Hobbit problems!!' Well I've got news for you!! I don't know everything!! Geez!! Can't you do anything for yourselves?! No! You can't, can you? All you stupid lazy hobbits know how to do is drink and smoke!!!"

Pippins eyes filled with tears and he started to cry. "You're....so....mean!!!"

"How could you do that to a poor hobbit?!" asked Aragorn.

"Monstrous!!" added Gimli.

"He was being a whiny brat!" said Gandalf. Nobody replied to this because they all knew it was true. Even Pippin.

So they continued on their journey through....THE TERMINAL! Ooooooh.....scary!

They walked out into the bright sunlight. They looked around and blinked for a few seconds.

"What kind of place is this?!" Screamed Bilbo.

There were cars driving around all over the place, people running around with luggage, and a bunch of people smoking.

"Um...We should get a map..." Said Gandalf uncertainly.

"Good idea!" said Aragorn. He walked up to a random, grumpy looking person and asked, "Excuse me, but would you happen to know where I could find a map?"

"Go away you weirdo!" Said the random, grumpy looking person.

"Weirdo?" asked Aragorn tearfully.

"These people are dressed oddly..." said Legolas.

"We need to get some of their clothes!" said Gimli.

"No duh." said Gandalf.

"But we don't have any money!" said Frodo who was panicking.

"Oh shut up!" said Elrond, "I have money. All we have to do is exchange it for whatever type of currency they use here."

Elrond walked back inside and everyone else followed. He walked up to the currency exchange place and put a bunch of elven coin...things on the counter. The lady looked at them oddly for a second and then said, "What are these?"

"They're elven coin...things!" said Elrond as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

She studied him for a moment and then her face brightened, "Oh hey! Aren't you that guy from that Lord of the Rings movie?! And all those people behind you! They are too! OMG!!"

"What the hell are you talking about lady?" asked Merry.

"Yeah!" said the lady excitedly, bouncing on the balls of her feet, "You're that one guy!" Then she pointed to Legolas, "and you're Orlando Bloom! OMG! Can I, like, have your autograph?"

"My name isn't Orlando Bloom! My name is Legolas!" said Legolas angrily.

"Fly, you fool!" said Gandalf and he swept them all away...with a giant broom. They ran along a corridor and another...and another and then ran into a bathroom.

"What was that all about?" asked Faramir, panting.

"We must have counterparts in this strange place." said Gandalf, "We must disguise ourselves."

"I always like a good disguise." said Frodo slyly.

"But...we don't have any money..." said Elrond. He just remembered that he had left his money on the counter. _It's all Gandalf's fault,_ he thought, _I'll get him back one day! I swear by all that is ... corn? I swear by all that is cool!_ Unbeknowest to Elrond he had said that out loud but everone chose to ignore it because...well they didn't ignore it, they were all creeped out.

"Anyways," said Gandalf, "We'll have to...um..."

"Oh! Oh! Sam has an idea!" shouted Sam in third person.

_"Note to self: Stay away from Sam."_ Frodo whispered into his tape recorder.

Gandalf sighed, "Yes Sam?"

"Yay!" Shouted Sam and he did a happy dance, "You know how that crazy lady said that we were from that Lord of the Rings movie?! Well, if we were in a movie then we could sell some of our stuff for money!"

Everyone congratulated Sam and agreed that he was wise beyond his years.

"What's a movie?" whispered Eomer. But everyone ignored him.

"First," said Gandalf, "We should try and see if this works. Frodo! Go outside and sell something to someone."

"Why is it always me?" Grumbled Frodo as he walked outside.

"I have sent him to his death..." Said Gandalf sadly.

"No! No. No, No." said Aragorn to Gandalf. He then whispered very loudly to Gimli, "I'm lying to make him feel better!"

"We're hiding in a bathroom!" Pippin whispered to Faramir. They both giggled and were joyous for many days.

Just then Frodo came back and he was missing his ring (No, not the one ring. Just some random ring that he randomly decided to wear on a random day. Deal with it!) but he was holding a big wad of cash.

"Woop!" Wooped Gandalf.

"How much is it, Mr. Frodo?!" asked Sam excitedly.

"I don't know..." said Frodo.

"Let me see." said Elrond. He started to count and everyone was silent. "10...11....14. It's 20 dollars!"

"w00t!" shouted Pippin, "...What can we buy with that?"

"Let's go see!" said Aragorn and they all walked out of the bathroom. Yet as they walked out, a stall door opened slowly and there sat Saruman laughing only as an evil person could while sitting on a toilet seat.

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Reviewer:

_Raablyn - _Hi! You're my only reviewer! w00t! I hope you liked this chapter...and if you didn't....then suffer the consequences!! Mwuahahahaha!!! Just kidding.... Hehe -.-'


	7. Spiderman!

A/N: Yup...It's an update! Not that you needed me to tell you that...Anyways...I was thinking of putting a new title for this story...something that would make more people come. Ya know? Problem is I can't think of anything. So, any suggestions?

Disclaimer: _hem hem._ I do not own Lord of the Rings! Although, I wish I did...

**Chapter 7.**

"Hmm... Go to College..." said Frodo as he was reading a pamphlet about a college scholarship.

"Your mom goes to college!" shouted some gay guy passing by him.

"My mom's dead!" cried Frodo, throwing the pamphlet on the ground.

"Aww...It's ok Frodo." said Gandalf trying to console him.

"Tell me a story." said Frodo as he crawled on to Gandalf's lap.

"Uh...okay..." said Gandalf slowly. "Once there was an ugly barnicle," he started, "he was so ugly that everyone died. The End!"

"Yay!" Yelled Frodo in glee, clapping his hands.

"Mr. Frodo!" Shouted Sam coming up to them, "Mr. Frodo! Look at this shirt! Look at it! It's got my picture on it, Mr. Frodo! Look!"

"Ah?" asked Frodo. "Ah wakki...No No Sam! Baka! Liiiiiiii..."

"Uh..." said Gandalf, "He hit his head! Yeah! I have not been giving him drugs! STOP ACCUSING ME!"

Gandalf lifted his staff and shot Sam across the room where he landed on Pippin who was trying on heels.

"Gosh!" shouted Pippin, "Freakin' idiot!"

Sam didn't reply to this because he had died. But it doesn't really matter because he'll probably come back to life in 5 minutes.

"Hey, Gandalf," said Elrond walking up to Gandalf, "Look at this!" He said, handing him a flyer.

"Hmm..." said Gandalf starting to read the flyer, "By Jove! I think I've got it!"

"Huh?" questioned Elrond.

"We can go to this convention thing and sell stuff!" said Gandalf, "For money!"

"Jee willikers!" said Aragorn who was conveniently standing nearby, "You're right Mr. Gandalf, sir. We'll make way more money selling at the Sci-Fi convention than selling at some stupid airport!"

"...How'd you know it was the Sci-Fi convention?" asked Gandalf, "You didn't even see the flyer."

"Oh, I have my ways." Said Aragorn mischeviously. He elusively fingered a flyer in his back pocket. No one but Merry, who was also conveniently standing nearby, saw this. And I must say, Merry was quite shocked.

"Well," said Elrond, "Since you already know there will be no need to tell you."

"Hello!" shouted Pippin who was trying to push Sam off of him, "I'm still stuck here!"

"Ah, deal with it!" said Gandalf.

"I shall help you, Pippin!" said Spiderman who was, like everyone else, conveniently standing nearby. He jumped up and did a bunch of complicated spidery stuff before he landed next to Pippin. He shot a web at Sam and spun him around in it. He then swung Sam into a nearby rack of clothing. "There you go young hobbit! I have saved your life!"

"You didn't save my life!" said Pippin, "He was just stuck on me! He wasn't killing me!"

"He...wasn't?" asked Spiderman.

"No!" yelled Pippin, " and you didn't need to swing him around and throw him!"

"I...didn't?" asked Spiderman.

"No!" shouted Pippin, "You just needed to show off didn't you! Yeah! Like all other spiders you just need to brag and boast and show off all your little spidery tricks! Well I've got news for you! I don't like you! YOU SUCK!"

Spiderman hung his head low and walked away in shame.

"Yeah!" yelled Pippin, "You better keep walking!"

"Good job, Pippin!" congratulated Aragorn.

"Anyways," said Elrond, "Let's go tell the others about the convention."

"Ok," said Gandalf, "Fellowship and Co.! Gather!" And everyone came flying from wherever they were.

And Sam came back to life...yeah...

"What is it, oh great leader Gandalf?" asked Faramir.

"We're going to a convention!" said Frodo happily from his position on Gandalfs lap (Yes, Gandalf and Frodo are still sitting on the floor.)

"Heeeey!" whined Gandalf, "I was supposed to say it!"

"What kind of a convention?" asked Eomer.

"A Sci-Fi Convention!" Said Gandalf.

"Well...isn't that lovely..." said Eomer in a slow, creepy voice as he backed away into the shadows.

"Well...that was odd..." said Legolas

Frodo purred and stretched out on Gandalf's lap. He then lightly jumped off Gandalf's lap and scampered away.

"This fanfic is getting weirder by the minute." commented Gimli.

Meanwhile, in the shadows Eomer was conversing with a sinister character. You could not see his face for he was in a chair that was facing in the opposite direction.

"Godfather, I need a favor." said Eomer.

"You come to me," said the mysterious character, "on this, the day of the my airport's opening and ask me to kill a man that I do not know."

"How'd you know I wanted you to kill someone?" asked Eomer, bewildered.

"Oh, I have my ways." said the mysterious character. His chair then slowly turned around to reveal the face of Michael Jackson. "Now, Who is this man that you wish for me to kill? Ch'mon!"

"Um..." started Eomer, "Gandalf..."

"Gandalf who?" asked Michael.

"I...I don't know his last name." said Eomer.

"That doesn't matter I guess..." said Michael, "I mean, Ch'mon! How many people are named Gandalf anyway?"

"So...you can do it?" asked Eomer.

"Yee chee chee!" yelled Michael Jackson.

"Is that a yes?" asked Eomer, uncertainly.

"Come my army of zombies!" said Michael Jackson, "'Cuz this is thriller! Thriller night! You're fighting for you life inside a killer! Thriller! Night!"

Michael Jackson and his Zombies then proceeded to dance out the door.

"Our mind control is working, my lord!" said Wormtounge as he popped out of the closet.

"Yes...Eomer doesn't know that we control his thoughts." said Saruman stepping out after him.

"Uh...Hello? I'm right here!" said Eomer.

"Oh...well...yes..." said Saruman, shiftily, "Well...We must be going...We're late for our..."

"Eyebrow waxing appointments!" said Wormtounge.

"I told you not to tell anyone about that!" yelled Saruman as they ran out.

"Saruman is getting his _eyebrow's _waxed!" laughed Eomer.

He then walked back to Fellowship and Co. while they remained unawares that he was being mind controlled. Except for Gandalf...because he knows everything.

* * *

Reviewers:

_Sweetmintmojo - _Thanks for the review! I only don't like the movie Sam. I don't like him because...because it's funny...yeah...

_Idylle_ - Glad to know I helped you live your life...yeah...


	8. The SciFi convention

A/N: ...Yay! Sorry that I haven't updated in so long. School has been really evil. But now it SPRING BREAK! YEAH! WHOOO!

Disclaimer: Blah Blah Blah...I don't own LOTR...Blah Blah Blah

**Chapter 8.**

"Do you know the muffin man?" asked Pippin.

"How many pickle peppers did Peter Piper pick?" demanded Merry.

"Where, oh Where, has my little dog gone?" inquired Sam

"How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" questioned Frodo.

"I don't know!" snapped Gandalf, turning around in his seat. Gandalf and the hobbits were in a taxi cab, on their way to the Sci-Fi convention which was in Pasadena. All the others were in cabs behind them. They hadn't bought any clothes because they wanted to save their money until they had more. They were in three cabs and they were going all the way from the LAX airport to Pasadena. They only had 20 dollars. Hahaha. Life sucks for them.

Anyways. Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli occupied one of the other taxis. Eomer, Faramir, Bilbo, and Elrond were in the other. They were all very happy and good times were had by all. Then Gandalf's Taxi hit something. The Taxi driver got out of the taxi and screamed.

"What is it?" asked Frodo of the Shire, one who has seen the eye.

"I think I ran over a monkey!" yelled the very sad and confused Taxi driver.

"Are you crazy?" asked Taxi driver #2 walking over to Taxi driver #1, "There aren't any monkeys in these - OH MY GOD!"

"What's all this then?" asked Taxi driver #3 who was British...for some strange reason. Just then, Bilbo came waddling over and saw the monkey.

"Gollum..." whispered Bilbo to himself, for you see the monkey wasn't actually a monkey...it was Gollum.

"Bilbo?" asked Gollum weakly, then all of a sudden he jumped up and started shaking Bilbo's hand, "Bilbo! Long time, no see! How the heck are ya, old buddy? How long has it been? 60 years, hasn't it? Where's that old ring I gave you? Oh, wait, I remember! It was destroyed, wasn't it? Huh, didn't I die at the same time? Wow! I must've come back to life! Lucky me!"

Bilbo was very confused by all of this and his butter was scraped over too much bread. He, therefore, started to cry.

"Ooooh, we are in trouble." sneered Mr. Filch who was standing nearby. Harry Potter came running up to him.

"Wait - Mr. Filch - You don't understand -" stuttered Harry.

Sam shot them both and cut them into little bite-size pieces so he could save them for later.

"Good job, Sam." said Frodo patting his head. Sam barked happily and scampered back into the Taxi.

"Well, I should probably be going." said Gollum, "See ya!" And as Gollum walked away Bilbo started laughing like a maniac for there in his hand was Gollum's wallet. Then everyone got back in the cab and nothing interesting happened for the rest of the cab ride.

When they got to the Sci-Fi convention they paid the Taxi people driver things with all the money in Gollum's wallet.

**--Meanwhile at Dairy Queen--**

"I'll take a Blizzard thing." Said Gollum to the cashier lady.

"Okay, that'll be $8.35 please." Said the cashier lady.

Gollum searched his pockets for his wallet and found that it wasn't there. He looked up at the sky and screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**--Back to the cool people--**

"Guess what guys!" shouted Faramir excitedly.

"What?" asked Eomer.

"I was in Van Helsing!" he yelled.

"Why are you yelling at me?" asked Aragorn sadly.

"Let's go inside!." Said Gandalf.

They walked up to the door and they were about to go in when the ticket lady person asked , "Where're your tickets?"

"Uhhh…." Said Gandalf who was having a stupid moment.

"We're guests!" said Merry.

"Oooohhh…" said the ticket lady person, "You're from the Lord of the Rings aren't you?"

"Yeeeeeeeeaaaaah……" said Pippin slyly.

"Welcome!" said the Ticket lady person.

"Now, we shouldn't separate." Said Gandalf as they walked in, "This is a very dangerous place." He looked around and everyone was gone. He cried. A lot….

"Pardon me," said a voice from behind Gandalf, "Are you…Gandalf?"

"Yes…" said Gandalf dejectedly. Then "Thriller" started playing from nowhere. Gandalf turned around in horror to see…Michael Jackson! Dun dun dun!

"Yes Gandalf, it is I! Michael Jackson!" said Michael Jackson happily.

"I see the puppet," said Gandalf calmly, "But where is the puppeteer?"

"Very good, Gandalf." Said Saruman, slowly walking up to him.

"You…." Said Gandalf, "I thought you were dead."

"Only in the book, my friend," Saruman said sinisterly, "Only in the book…"

"Tell me, _friend_," said Gandalf, "When did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?"

"Aahh!" shouted Saruman and he blasted Gandalf across the room. Instantly a crowd formed around them and they were all shouting incoherent things. It went on like this for a while until Michael Jackson got P.O.'d for being forgotten and teleported Saruman to Mount Everest. After that Michael left and went to Berlin to find some guy named Mike.

Gandalf went in search for the rest of the gang. He walked into one room and found Aragorn talking to Luke Skywalker. Gandalf ran up to them and tossed Luke Skywalker aside like he was yesterday's garbage.

"Hey, that wasn't very n – " started Aragorn.

"I come to you now," shouted Gandalf, "At the turn of the tide!"

"What tide?" asked Aragorn who was very confused.

"Shut up!" shouted Gandalf. He swung Aragorn over his back and hopped away to find more people.


	9. Gathering the group

A/N: Well...I am truly, deeply ashamed of myself and that is all I can say...

**Chapter 9.**

"Sam, I think we're lost…" said one Frodo Baggins one fine day at one fine convention.

"Beggin' your pardon, Mr. Frodo, but how can we be lost if I, Samwise Gamgee, am leading us?" questioned Sam proudly.

"You're an idiot." said one very aggravated Meriadoc Brandybuck.

Four very lost hobbits were in the room of small and forgotten stars at the Sci-Fi convention. Pippin was lagging behind the rest because he was trying to get everyone's autograph even though he didn't know who the hell they were.

"Saaaaaaam….I'm hungry!" whined Frodo as he sat down on the floor, "We're going to die here…"

"Stop your whining Mr. Frodo!" yelled Sam. He grabbed Frodo's hands and looked him in the eyes, "Goonies never say die!"

"What's a goonie?" asked Frodo.

"I wanna be a goonie!" shouted Pippin who had finally caught up with them.

"No!" yelled Sam, "Only I can be a goonie!"

"Why?" asked Pippin tearfully.

"Because I was in The Goonies," said Sam.

"Reeeaaally?" asked Frodo.

"Yes, Mr. Frodo, yes I was." said Sam.

"Hey, did you know that I was in Back To the Future part 2 for, like, 5 seconds?" asked Frodo.

"Yeah well, I'm in Lost!" Shouted Merry, "So I think I should be the leader!"

"No!" shouted Sam, "I'm the smartest!"

Everyone in the room started laughing. Everyone. Every single living organism in the room started laughing. So, Sam cried…a lot…and then he died. Then, someone with a white beard ran in with some guy swung over his back, acting all crazy.

"Frodo, Merry, Pippin! …and the fat one whose name escapes me!" shouted Gandalf, "You must come with me!"

"Gandalf?" asked Frodo.

"Sure. Why not?" said Gandalf. He put them all in a bag and hopped away.

* * *

"Legolas! Two already!" shouted Gimli as he gave someone an autograph.

"I'm on 17!" yelled Legolas joyously as he too gave someone an autograph.

"What? I'll have no pointy ears outscoring me!" shouted Gimli in frustration.

Legolas and Gimli were sitting at a table signing autographs and having a contest to see who could sign the most. This is a good thing because at first they were going to have a contest to see how many humans both of them could kill but this idea was discarded at the thought of the rest of the fellowship's reaction. This universe was doing strange things to their minds…

Then, of course, Gandalf came in to ruin everyone's fun. He saw someone handing Legolas a pen and immediately thought that they were trying to kill him because Gandalf is crazy like that. So, he sprang into action at once. He threw Aragorn to the side where he unfortunately hit a wall and got knocked out, then he threw the bag containing the hobbits into a pile of people as though they were bowling pins and the poor hobbits were a bowling ball.

Gandalf then blasted every human within 20 feet of him off of their feet. But none of them died. Because that would be bad…as some of them were quite young…I guess…

ANYWAYS, Gandalf took a rope out of his pocket (which he stole from Sam because he thought he might need it for an occasion such as this) and tied Gimli and Legolas up so he could drag them behind him. He picked up the bag that contained four very sad and battered hobbits, three of them unconscious, then picked Aragorn up and slung him back over his shoulder. Gandalf then saluted everyone in the room who wasn't unconscious or moaning about how they were going to sue Creation Entertainment and ran off to find the rest of his ragtag group of companions.

* * *

"Elrond!"

"Eh?" questioned Elrond, not looking up from the schedule of events that he was reading.

"Look!" said Bilbo joining Elrond at his table, "They actually sell lembas here!"

Elrond looked up at Bilbo to see that he was holding what looked like an old, crusty, stale slice of bread. He took the bread from Bilbo, studied it for a moment or two, and sniffed it. He concluded that it _was_, in fact, an old, crusty, stale slice of bread but he handed it back to Bilbo nonetheless because he had a sick sense of humor.

They were in a little café that the convention center had and were having a nice little time eating and whatnot. Well, actually, Elrond wasn't eating because he found all the food that they had there to be unappealing so he contented himself with reading. He did stop his reading for awhile though, to see what would happen when Bilbo actually ate the bread.

Poor little Bilbo Baggins took a bite of the bread, swallowed it, dropped the bread, then ran to the bathroom…I guess…I mean, he could've run anywhere…Does he even know where the bathroom is? Now, this amused Elrond greatly but he didn't actually laugh because he has to keep that cool, stoic expression on his face. But this also made Elrond very curious; Why would they have sold Bilbo stale bread? And where did Bilbo get the money for said bread?

Elrond walked up to the cashier who was shaking with suppressed laughter, as he too had seen poor little Bilbo run to the bathroom (or wherever he had run), and therefore had his eyes closed.

"Excuse me." said Elrond.

The cashier jumped in surprise and looked at Elrond with a hint of fear, for the cashier had seen him sitting with Bilbo and assumed they were friends so he naturally thought that he was going to be yelled at. "Yes?" asked the cashier in what he hoped was an I'm-not-guilty-for-giving-your-friend-stale-bread-causing-him-to-run-to-the-bathroom-or-wherever-because-I'm-not-sure-that-he-knows-where-the-bathroom-is-and-he-honestly-didn't-look-like-a-bright-fellow-and-he-sure-didn't-act-like-one-either-because-c'mon-who-the-hell-can't-tell-the-difference-between-nice-elven-bread-and-old-crusty-stale-bread-? voice.

"Why did you give my friend old, crusty, stale bread?" asked Elrond for he knew that it was this cashier because he said yes in an I-_am_-guilty-for-giving-your-friend-stale-bread-causing-him-to-run-to-the-bathroom-or-wherever-because-I'm-not-sure-that-he-knows-where-the-bathroom-is-and-he-honestly-didn't-look-like-a-bright-fellow-and-he-sure-didn't-act-like-one-either-because-c'mon-who-the-hell-can't-tell-the-difference-between-nice-elven-bread-and-old-crusty-stale-bread-? voice.

"Well…er…" said the cashier in a nervous way because Elrond was very intimidating, "You see….your little friend…well he was demanding that I give him lembas…and…well, we don't have lembas so I told him that…and…he started to get very angry with me and there were other people waiting in line…so I told him that I would get him some. I looked under this counter and found some stale bread…I don't even know how it got there but whatever. Anyways so I showed it to him and he was all 'I thought you didn't have lembas!' and I was all 'Shut up and take it you freak!' and…I threw it in his face…"

"Really?" said Elrond in a casual, stoic way but on the inside he felt like laughing his head off.

The cashier was about to ask Elrond if he was going to yell at him when crazy Gandalf guy came bursting in with foam coming out of his mouth. There were a few cries of "ew!" and "gross!" coming from the bag that Gandalf was carrying which now consisted of five hobbits instead of four. You see, Gandalf had ambushed Bilbo on his way to the bathroom, or wherever he was going, and stuffed him into the already overstuffed bag. Naturally, Bilbo threw up there since he hadn't made it to the bathroom…or…yeah…

"Elrond!" shouted Gandalf, "Follow me for I am not going to drag you away in an undignified manner because you are too much of a cool elf guy for that!"

"Am _I_ not a cool elf guy, Gandalf?" asked Legolas from his position on the floor.

"No, you're not!" yelled Gandalf.

"I shall come with you Gandalf." said Elrond, "but only if you stop foaming at the mouth like a crazy, rabid, dog."

"Oh, sorry," apologized Gandalf, wiping his mouth with Aragorn's sleeve, "I was eating whipped cream earlier."

"By itself?" asked Elrond with a hint of disgust in his voice.

"Er…no! Of course not!" said Gandalf hurriedly. He knew only too well how much Elrond hated people who ate whipped cream by itself…

**-Spiffy Flashback-**

_"Hello Elladan!" said Gandalf as he walked into the kitchen of Rivendell. It truly was a beautiful kitchen…but we shan't go into that now because I don't like long flashbacks._

_"I'm Elrohir, bitch! Honestly man, you call yourself a wizard. Can't you _tell_ I'm Elrohir?"_

_"Oh sorry, Elrohir." said Gandalf apologetically._

_"Only joking, I am Elladan." said Elladan then he ran into platform 9 ¾. Wait…what?_

**-End Spiffy Flashback-**

"What did that have to do with whipped - ?" started Elrond.

"Shut up and follow me!" snapped Gandalf.

Elrond shrugged his shoulders and followed Gandalf to his doooooom.

* * *

"If you're happy and you know it clap your hands!" sang Faramir. Obediently, the audience clapped.

"If you're happy and you know it clap your hands!" echoed Eomer. Again, the audience clapped their hands.

"If you're happy and you know it and your face will really show it, if you're happy and you know it clap your hands!" belted Faramir and Eomer together. The audience applauded as Faramir and Eomer bowed humbly.

Eomer and Faramir were on stage because of a series of not so unfortunate events. They had been sitting in the front row of the audience saying very loud, rude things about the guest speakers that were on stage. Eventually, one of the speakers got very annoyed at them, threw their microphone at the two and yelled "Let's see you do it then!" Said speaker was now sitting in a corner, drinking Mountain Dew, and bitterly wishing that they hadn't done that.

Faramir and Eomer however were having the time of their lives until a certain white bearded wizard came along.

Gandalf jumped on stage (to much applause) and knocked Faramir out. He picked him up and threw him on his shoulder that was not currently carrying Aragorn. He now had the hobbits in one hand, the rope dragging Gimli and Legolas in the other hand, and a man on each of his shoulders.

"Elrond!" yelled Gandalf, "Elrond help me! My hands are full!"

"Alright, alright…" said Elrond, "but only if you stop dripping blood from your mouth like a crazy, rabid vampire."

"Oh, sorry," apologized Gandalf, wiping his mouth with Faramir's sleeve, "I was eating ketchup earlier."

"By itself?" asked Elrond with a hint of disgust in his voice.

"Er…no! Of course not!" said Gandalf hurriedly. He knew only too well how much Elrond hated people who ate ketchup by itself…

**-Spunky Flashback-**

_Gandalf walked over to the hotdog stand of Rivendell. It truly was a beautiful hotdog stand…but they didn't put whipped cream on their hotdogs. This angered Gandalf greatly. But today he didn't care. Nothing in the world could anger him today. Nothing, except…_

_"Hey Gandalf!" said Glorfindel cheerfully as he walked by._

_"You…" said Gandalf his eyes narrowing._

_"What's wrong?" asked Glorfindel, a little worried._

_"I know it was you!" shouted Gandalf, "In the Dining Room, with the lead pipe!"_

_"Huh?" asked Glorfindel._

_"Don't 'huh?' me, honey!" said Gandalf…MENACINGLY!_

**-End Spunky Flashback-**

"What did that have to do with ketch - ?" started Elrond.

"Shut up and help me!" shouted Gandalf.

Elrond shrugged, knocked Eomer out, slung him over his shoulder, and followed Gandalf to his doooooom. The audience had watched all of this in silent awe and as soon as Elrond had walked off stage they had applauded so much that their hands fell off. Needless to say, a lot of lawsuits had been filed that day…hehe, that rhymed.

* * *

Fellowship and Co. walked out into the bright sunlight and smiled. Well, only Gandalf smiled as the others were incapable of doing so. Luckily they had found the back door so there wasn't anybody milling about outside. Gandalf and Elrond deposited their 'Cargo' on the ground and slumped against the wall in exhaustion.

"Was all that really necessary?" asked Elrond.

"Yes," said Gandalf tiredly, "Yes, it was."

"We didn't actually accomplish what we set out to do." stated Aragorn who was gaining consciousness.

"Which was?" asked Gandalf confusedly.

"Sell some of our stuff for money." said Legolas getting up and trying to untie himself.

"Oh…," said Gandalf, nonplussed, "Crap…"

"And you drew so much damn attention to us, " said Merry who was crawling out of the bag, "that now we definitely need those disguises that we were talking about back at the airport."

"And we don't have the money to get them." said Frodo, crawling out after Merry.

"You're such a loser." Elrond said to Gandalf. Gandalf cried.

"Hey…what happened to Boromir and Haldir?" asked Faramir, rubbing his head, "Were they not ghosts earlier?"

"Yeah," said Pippin, coming out of the bag, "and what happened to the author? Did anyone else notice that she was gone for ALMOST A YEAR!"

"Shut up!" I yelled.

"Pippin, what are you talking about?" asked Merry, who was concerned for the sanity of his friend.

"You know…the author…" said Pippin, "Didn't….didn't anyone else notice?"

Everyone shook their heads slowly.

"Huh…" said Pippin sitting down thoughtfully.


	10. Missing Plot

**Chapter 10.**

So, Aragorn was riding along in his automobile…that he STOLE! How did he steal it? Well, he hotwired it and then shoved everyone in. Because they had to make a hasty getaway. You see, the security guards from the convention were after them. How did Aragorn know how to hotwire a car? Nobody knows.

"This is a sweet ride." said Gandalf.

"Whatever." replied Aragorn.

"There's a red light!" said Gandalf. But Aragorn didn't stop!

"STOP!!!" yelled Gandalf. Aragorn stopped the car and it screeched to a halt.

"What? Why?!" asked Aragorn.

"Your freakin' idiot! I thought you knew how to drive!" said Gandalf.

"I do! I just don't know what the lights mean." said Aragorn.

"Move over." said Elrond. He took Aragorn's spot and shoved him into the back seat.

"How do you know how to drive?" asked Gandalf.

"Rivendell driving school." said Elrond.

"Oh." said Gandalf.

"So, where are we going?" asked Pippin.

"To the airport." said Elrond, "We're getting out of this crazy place."

"We don't have tickets to get back." said Frodo.

"Shit." said Elrond.

The security guards had started to speed up. The fellowship was about to be caught. But Elrond had a plan.

"Lets see if you bastards can do 90." said Elrond looking in his review mirror. He started to speed up but just as he hit 88 miles per hour sparks started to fly and stuff. All of a sudden they were driving down a dirt road. For you see, the car that they stole was a Delorean! Now they were stranded in the year 1955. I guess.

Elrond stopped the car and everyone piled out.

"What happened?" asked Bilbo.

"Shit! I knew I should have stayed home!" yelled Elrond.

"Come on. It's not so bad," said Faramir consolingly, "Let's just find the nearest town."

So they started walking to the nearest town. They left the delorean there. Because they're idiots. Later some dude named Biff found it and he did some crazy things.

So, once the fellowship and co. found the nearest town they bought some clothes, which the could afford now because it was 1955 and everything was cheaper.

"Well, we need to get back to the future," Said Aragorn, "Because we definitely don't have a chance of going home here."

"You're right!" said Gandalf, "Everyone, put on their thinking caps!"

Everyone pulled out different types of hats from their pockets. There were party hats, top hats, bowlers, baseball caps, and really crazy hats that I can't even began to explain.

"I have an idea!" said Eomer, "We should go ask Saruman for help!"

"First of all, Saruman's still in the future," said Gandalf, "second of all, you're stupid because Saruman's evil."

"He's stuck in the future, is he?" said Eomer in a sinister voice, "Are you sure about that, now?"

All of a sudden Saruman fell out of the sky and started fighting with Gandalf. Then their staffs turned into light sabers.

"I have failed you, Saruman!" said Gandalf, "I have failed you."

"I should have known that the Wizards were trying to take over!" yelled Saruman.

"Saruman, Sauron is evil!" shouted Gandalf.

"From my point of view the wizards are evil!" said Saruman.

"Well then you are lost!" yelled Gandalf.

Then it was all like, Goozsh! Goozsh! With the light sabers and everyone was all like "Whoa! Dude!"

Then, Gandalf jumped over a river. Onto a hill or something.

"It's over, Saruman! I have the high ground." He stated.

"You underestimate my power!" yelled Saruman.

"Don't try it!" shouted Gandalf.

Saruman jumped and Gandalf chopped off both his legs and his arm. Then Saruman fell in the water and got washed away by the currant. Gandalf's light saber turned back into a staff and he slumped on the ground, exhausted. Everyone walked up to him.

"Well, we still have to figure out how to get back to the future." said Gandalf.

"I have an idea." said Pippin

Gandalf jumped up and everyone looked at Pippin for instructions.

"Now jump to the left." Said Pippin.

Everyone jumped to the left.

"And then step to the right!" Pippin continued.

"With your hands on your hips?" Merry asked.

"You bring your knees in tight!" Everyone sang.

"Let's do the time warp again!" everyone sang, dancing around like mad. "Let's do the time warp again!"

Everything disappeared in a whirl of color. All of a sudden they were in the middle of a big bustling city.

"Yatta!" they all yelled.

"Hello, New York!" shouted Merry.

Then a painting fell in front of them. It was a cheerleader and beneath her there were six words written. Aragorn picked it up and looked at it.

"Huh…" said Faramir, reading it over his shoulder, "'Save the Cheerleader. Save the world.' What do you suppose that means?"

"Who cares." said Aragorn chucking it behind him. It hit Sam and he died.

"Why did we end up in New York?" asked Frodo as they started walking.

"Because you guys can't sing for shit." said Pippin moodily.

"Shut up, bee-yatch!" exclaimed Aragorn.

"Hey!" some random lady yelled," Wow! You guys are those guys! Can I have your autographs?"

"Sure!" yelled Gimli.

"I don't want _yours_." said the lady. Gimli started crying.

"Why are you guys dressed like your from the 50s or something?" asked the random lady's best friend.

"We just came from a 50s dance." said Frodo.

"Really? Oh my gawd! That's so, like, kewl. If I had gone I would've worn, like, a poodle skirt or something." said random lady's best friend.

"Well, that's really interesting and everything but we gotta go." said Gandalf. Then he swept everyone away.

"Waaaaiiiiit!!" yelled the random lady, "I wanted your autographs!!" But they just kept on running. They ran for 10 minutes before they finally stopped.

"Oh shit. I think were missing something." said Legolas.

"What?" everyone asked.

"A plot." replied Legolas.

"You're right!" gasped Gandalf.

"Well, what do we do?" asked Elrond.

"Let's just run around like crazy people." said Pippin jokingly. Sam did just that and he ran into the street and died.

"Perhaps we could pretend like we're superheroes for a while." suggested Faramir.

"No, it has to be something funnier." said Aragorn.

"Maybe we should have just stayed at the Sci-Fi convention." sighed Gandalf.

"Well, we could have," started Elrond, "If _somebody_ hadn't gone apeshit on us."

"Who did that?" asked Gandalf.

"You're fucking mom you retard!" yelled Aragorn.

"Relax! Maybe we should go consult the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." said Eomer.

"Do they live in New York?" asked Gimli.

"Fuck if I know. I haven't watched that show in years." I said.

"There's that ominous voice again!" yelled Pippin.

"Stop hearing things Pippin, you jerk." yelled Merry.

"I'm not a jerk!" Pippin retorted. All of a sudden a card came out of the sky and landed at Sam's feet. He picked it up and looked at it.

"What does it say?" asked Gandalf.

"Rest on standing Astroturf." said Sam.

"What?" asked Frodo.

"Rest on standing Astroturf." repeated Sam.

"Let me see that." said Frodo trying to grab it from Sam.

"No! I know how to read!" said Sam trying to keep it away from Frodo. Frodo finally grabbed it from him and read it.

"It say's 'Rescue stranded Astronaut'" said Frodo.

"Fuck! Stop it! This isn't funny." yelled Elrond. Suddenly the card disappeared.

"I'm so tired." said Bilbo tiredly.

"We all are," said Gandalf, "We never got any sleep after that 20 hour flight."

"Well, let's all just fall asleep where we're standing." said Pippin. And they did just that.


	11. The End, Finally

**Chapter 11.**

When they all woke up they were in jail. Why? Because they were blocking pedestrian traffic by sleeping on the sidewalk! TSK TSK!!

"Let me out of here!" yelled Elrond, rattling the bars.

"Shut up!" yelled a random security guard, "This hurts me more than it hurts you!"

"No, it doesn't!" yelled Frodo.

"It most certainly does!" yelled random security guard, "I'll have you know that I am a huge LOTR fan!"

"What the hell is LOTR?" asked Aragorn. The security guard ran away crying.

"Good job, Aragorn." Said Gandalf, "You made another innocent child cry."

"He wasn't a child!" yelled Aragorn.

"Stop all this fighting!" yelled Sam, in tears.

A different random security guard walked in and stared them all down. "You have a visitor." He said.

"Really?" asked Frodo.

Someone came walking in. A very short, ugly, gangly someone whom they all recognized. He was carrying a multi-layered strawberry cake.

"Smeagol?! What are you doing here?" demanded Frodo.

"We brought youses all a caaaake!" said Gollum, "WINKSES!!"

"I hate cake!" shouted Sam.

"Shut up, Sam!" yelled Merry.

"Thank you!" said Aragorn, grabbing the cake, "I am sure we will all enjoy eating this cake! We won't do anything else with it, like take several nail files out of it and saw our way out of this cell!"

"Couldn't you just bail us out, Gollum?" asked Pippin.

"Well, we could've." Said Gollum, "If someone hadn't stolen our walletses!"

"My bad." Said Bilbo.

"Why are you helping us, Gollum?" asked Legolas.

"Let's just say that Smeagol knows what it's like to be trapped." Said Gollum, walking away.

Everyone dug their way into the cake, taking out several nail files.

"It'll take me weeks to get this icing out of my nails!" said Faramir, examining his hands.

"Shut up and start sawing!" said Elrond.

"Hi, Ho! Hi, Ho! It's off to work I go." Sang Gimli, sawing away merrily.

A random security guard walked in and they all immediately hid the saws behind their backs.

"What's all this suspicious sawing noise I hear?" asked random security guard.

"Um…it was...sort of like a woodpecker! Except it was a sawpecker! It flew out the window." Said Eomer.

"Not again!" yelled random security guard, and he promptly jumped out of the window.

They all immediately went back to sawing and soon they were free! They busted out of jail and ran down the street and took refuge in an alleyway.

"Well, now what do we do?" asked Frodo.

"I know what we'll do!" shouted Boromir, the ghost, who had just materialized out of nowhere.

"Boromir! You're back!" said Frodo. He tried to hug him but just fell through his ghost body.

"It's very dangerous for ghosts to be hanging out around New York City." Said Elrond.

"Why?" asked Boromir.

If there's something strange! In the neighborhood! Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!

"Dammit." Said Elrond.

Immediately the Ghostbusters came running into the alleyway. They trapped Boromir in one of their ghost box thingies and left. Before he left, Dr. Raymond Stantz looked at them all and said, "We're willing to believe you!"

"Poor Boromir." Said Gandalf.

"No time to laugh about it now!" said Elrond.

"Don't you mean cry?" asked Merry.

"Not really." Said Elrond.

"I wish there was somehow a really fast and simple way we could get back to Middle-Earth!!!!" shouted Frodo to the heavens.

"A deux ex machina is coming!" yelled Pippin gleefully.

A portal fell out of the sky and landed right in front of them. They all laughed and cried and hugged each other joyfully. Then the portal disappeared. They cried. And Sam died. And Gandalf sighed. And burgers were fried. And Faramir lied. And they didn't have a ride. And the score was tied.

"Just kidding!" said the portal, landing in front of them again.

"Yay!" said Frodo, jumping into the portal. One after one, they all jumped into the portal gleefully. They were trapped in the portal for a few hours before they were finally spat out into Frodo's living room.

"We're back!" said Frodo.

"Hmmm…" said Gandalf, "Look at all these teacups on the floor. It looks like we were sent back to right before you opened that letter, Frodo."

"Well, I know what to do this time." Said Frodo. He walked over to his pile of mail and threw it into the fireplace. Everyone congratulated him.

"There's still one thing I don't understand, though." Said Legolas.

"One thing?" asked Aragorn, incredulously.

"Who was Shindiglemindigleflammableporter Turner?" asked Legolas.

Just then, Saruman burst into the house with a gun. Everyone gasped.

"_You're_ Shindiglemindigleflammableporter Turner!" said Gandalf.

"That's right." Said Saruman.

"So I didn't really win a vacation?" asked Frodo.

"No!" said Saruman, "That vacation was just a red herring!"

"What?!" asked Gimli, who was most perplexed and confused.

"So you're just going to go ahead and kill us?" asked Sam.

"Sure. Why not?" asked Saruman.

"I'll tell you why not." Said Sam. He pulled out a gun from his pocket and shot Saruman.

"Good shot, Gamgee!" said Saruman. Then he died. The second he died, the police came charging in.

"Alright, who dun' it?" asked the police chief.

"If you wanna know who killed Saruman" Said Sam, "I did, in the hall, with the revolver. Okay chief, take him away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife!"

THE END


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